For those that don’t already know, I worked as a professional actor for almost a decade before transitioning into a Producer.
During my journey as an actor is when I went through the hardest emotional periods of my life. I felt I was conflicted and unsettled with a new emotional dilemma, rollercoaster or breakdown nearly everyday. Whether it was defending my career choice as legitimate for the 1000th time, thinking the job I just booked would finally “be it” (but then it wasn’t), questioning my life after being rejected yet again (even though, statistically speaking, my booking ratio was considered “successful”, it still meant being rejected more than 80% of the time), having to cipher through every critique trying to decide how insecure I was going to let myself get or trying to navigate the line between Hollywood morality and Christian morality. All things that I think most women deal with on a regular basis in different ways.
I was miserable emotionally and after reassuring me and comforting me nearly every week or so for ten years, quite frankly, my husband, Robert, was getting worn-out with all the drama (an actor being dramatic – who would’ve thought). Having to console and encourage a constantly depressed, sulking, insecure and dramatic actor is probably extremely exhausting – especially, when he didn’t have any idea what I was feeling or going through (he wasn’t emotional and he didn’t choose such a “superficial and unrealistic” career).
So I longed for strong Christian actor friends, mentors, anything. I had acquaintances and “co-workers” but no one I could really pour my heart out to that would get, at all, what I was feeling. I prayed whole-heartedly for these relationships. I went after them. I made lunch dates, awkwardly added people as social media friends. I tried everything that my naturally socially awkward self knew to do. And still it was to no avail. I wondered constantly why God wasn’t bringing these relationships and support groups into my life. During one particular hard season in my career about 5 years ago, I prayed fervently again for these relationships (it came in waves). My prayers went unanswered again.
I was getting desperate. At the same time, I was in the School of Discipleship at my church and the instructor was encouraging all of us to start a small group. I started those classes without one inkling of interest in starting a small group. None. Nada. Not interested. But it just so happened that my “unanswered prayers” collided with the timing of a push to start a small group. And I thought to myself “well, I can’t be the only one, maybe if I start a group for actors, other actors from the church will join and we can all support each other.”
So I started The Film Group. I prayed, I prepared for our first meeting. I was hopeful, that my one accountability partner, my one actor friend would be sitting in that small group when I walked in. I took a deep breathe and opened the door. Unfortunately, no professional actors joined the group. Another unanswered prayer.
I just wanted ONE other professional actor to talk to and I would’ve been happy. But I didn’t get that. Instead, I got a bunch of people who wanted to be an actor or make movies. What was I supposed to do with these people? *sigh*.
I didn’t get the accountability partner I wanted…but I got a group of people interested in some aspect of movie-making so I worked with what I had and the group transformed into more of a little mini production company…and in the process I was able to pinpoint something I loved more than acting – producing. And here I am today.
I had a huge unanswered prayer. To me, a huge emotional hole in my heart. Then the one hopeful answer I got, ended up being another unanswered prayer. Except. It wasn’t. My unanswered prayer WAS my answer. Not that my answer was “no” or “just wait”, but it was an answer to a prayer that I didn’t even know to pray. It was answer to the bigger prayer of the calling of my life.
Think about it. If I would’ve gotten those good, Godly relationships that I had prayed for (and they were well-meaning, Godly requests), then when the call to start a small group was given, I wouldn’t have felt any desire to start a group. I wouldn’t have started a group. I would’ve walked away from the School of Discipleship and wouldn’t have given it a second thought. And if I would’ve never started a group, I would’ve never realized the greater calling in my life.
If God would’ve answered my prayer, I might’ve missed something SO MUCH GREATER.
Sometimes we are longing for something so much that we can’t see past it. What we see as an unanswered prayer or a dry season, God may be using to make our hearts fertile enough to receive the next instruction from Him that will take us to places we couldn’t even imagine.
Maybe you are lonely and God hasn’t brought you a spouse or a friend or support. Maybe God is calling you to do something else seemingly unrelated and you’ve been too busy with your problems that you don’t realize that your answer is in your obedience.
Maybe you are at a job that you hate and God seems to be mute on what you are supposed to do about it. Perhaps there is some other avenue that God wants you to explore and without a discontentment at your current situation, you would’ve never even considered such an endeavor.
Maybe your problem, is actually your solution and you just can’t see it. God is bigger than your problems. Not just in size, but in mentality. He THINKS beyond our problems. God is the One who can (and does) use your problem to get you to the solution for a bigger problem you didn’t even know you had. We have to learn to trust Him. To see beyond ourselves and what’s in front of us. To not sulk with every unanswered prayer, but to see it as direction to get to where we don’t even know we want to be yet.
So next time you find yourself thinking about your terrible predicament and wondering why God hasn’t done anything about it, ask yourself if there is something else you should be obedient in….and do that. Stop trying to come up with your own solutions and just do what God calls you to do. He’ll work it out.
——-
Sometimes the thing that you feel you are lacking in your life emotionally is simply the method that God is using to prepare your heart so that you are open to going to the next place that God is leading you.