I took some time last night to go through some old emails and purge the ones that aren’t relevant to my life anymore (yes, this is what I do for fun).
For as long as emails existed, I’ve held on to the “extreme” emails – encouragement emails, praise emails…and yes, some very harsh emails as well.
I like reading the encouraging emails every once in a blue moon because they remind me that someone out there thinks I’m being or doing something worthwhile…but I especially like reading the not-so-encouraging emails.
I’m sure I’m not the only one who has ever received (or regrettably sent) criticisms. Maybe you’re not an email person, but you’ve received harsh criticisms via texts, in person, on the phone, through the grapevine, etc. Those very bold criticisms that point out all your flaws, the mistakes your making in life and how you should be operating everything differently.
In my twelve years as an adult, I’ve received harsh criticisms on everything from my priorities in life, my marriage, my lack of education, my personality flaws, my ability to be a good mom, my foolishness in career choice, my incompetence, my over-confidence, my over-dedication to my work, my passiveness in pursuing my career…I literally can’t think of an area that hasn’t been criticized at one point.
So why, you ask, do I enjoy reading such horrible emails again? Well. Over the years, I’ve learned several important life lessons from these emails and I have found them valuable in more ways than one. So in no particular order, I’d like to share them with you and perhaps you can apply the same philosophies to your own life:
1. I’m doing something. It’s been said that if you don’t want to be criticized, then don’t do anything. People who keep quiet, keep to themselves and do as they are told rarely get criticized. People who speak up, influence people, take risks and challenge traditional ways of thinking get criticized A LOT. While the former have the opportunity to live seemingly peaceful lives, it’s the latter that have the opportunity to make a difference.
2. It’s not always about me. Although the criticism is certainly making me the center of their universe, most of the time, the criticism may not really be about me…and even the critic has no idea it’s not about me. Sometimes people are jealous, sometimes they are deflecting, sometimes they are speaking through their own distorted experiences or outdated philosophies, sometimes they are speaking from someone else’s opinions, sometimes they are speaking from ignorance and sometimes they are just having a very bad day and I happened to be the one in their wake. Whatever the case, if their accusations are wrong, there’s usually something hidden underneath the words.
3. They aren’t always wrong. Whenever I receive such a criticism, no matter the sender, the first thing I do is analyze it and pray over it. I put my defenses down and I’m willing to ask myself a few questions: Is there any truth to what had just been said? Is there something that God is trying to reveal to me that I’ve been refusing to address? If I still feel the criticism is incorrect, then I ask myself if there was some way that I presented or communicated with this person that may have caused them to perceive me in an inaccurate light? How can I change the way I present myself to prevent this perspective in the future? The key here is to be willing to allow God to search your heart. The email may be completely inaccurate and sent to discourage you from doing what God has called you to (many times an unknown agenda to the sender). However, God is multi-faceted and He can utilize anything to help you grow and mature. In my case, I have found that although their criticism may be inaccurate, I fueled that negative opinion of me by the way I communicated or presented myself…hence, there was something of value I learned from the criticism. You certainly can’t and shouldn’t change who you are to please everyone, but there are other times that something about who we are or what we are doing does need to change, and although it may be rare, we need to be open to that possibility.
4. They aren’t always right. The reason I especially like to read these emails many years later is that I always understand that although I have analyzed it and found no truth at the time the email was received, that there is a strong possibility that I’m simply not mature enough yet…and perhaps, in 5 or 10 years, after life has chiseled me down a bit that I may realize how foolish I was in my “young age.” Although my analyzation of an initial critique has yet to be overturned many years later, at least I’m willing to admit it’s possible. One such particular email I read tonight just further confirmed to me that I was, in fact, on the right track…even in hindsight. The critique was so off-base that it also reminded me that sometimes people throw judgements and critiques out from their own experience…but their experience doesn’t necessarily apply to my life….or your life. It reminded me that some critiques just need to be thrown out or if necessary (especially if it’s from people close to you), responded to peacefully and then thrown out. Let God deal with their issues…ultimately, their opinion of you won’t put in a dent in God’s plan for your life if you’re on the right track.
5. Don’t throw the baby out with the bath water. I don’t actually know that I’m applying the saying correctly, but it sounded good so that’s what I’m titling #5. It’s all about balance. One persons experience may have nothing to do with your life and what God has called you to do. On the other hand, another person’s experience could totally apply and you should take heed to what is being said. One person’s critique could just be another hater running their mouth. On the other hand, another person’s critique could have some legitimacy to it and is worth thinking about for a couple minutes. At the end of the day, it’s important to consider who the critique is coming from, the way the critique is communicated and the reason the critique was sent – realistically and spiritually. Some critiques are sent to tear you down and some are sent to help you up and some are sent to tear you down but God may still have a nugget or two you can glean from it.
6. Ultimately, you do what God has told you to do. At the end of the day, nobody can really tell you what God has called you specifically to do (critics read: young, inexperienced), or if God is calling you to wait (critics read: lazy, unmotivated), or if God is calling you to take a leap of faith (critics read: foolish), or if God is calling you to prioritize things differently for a season (critics read: selfish), or if God is still developing you for your calling (critics read: forever incompetent) or if God is calling you to be a trailblazer where others have failed (critics read: arrogant, prideful).
No matter what critics may throw at you, if you know what, when and how God has called you to something, then it’s probably safe to discard such negative words. But, for your sake, make sure your hearing God right (or at least a strong maybe…but that’s a sermon for a different day) and getting some confirmation from someone who you trust knows your heart and is more spiritually mature than you.
I know for me, if I listened to every harsh email and critique – even those from people I thought knew me better – I wouldn’t have married my soulmate at 19 when I was “too young and didn’t know what love was”, I wouldn’t have gone into the entertainment industry and would’ve “gotten an education and a real job”, I wouldn’t have written a marriage curriculum because “no one is going to care what we say”, I wouldn’t have pushed forward in my career before “paying my dues”, I wouldn’t have taken risky opportunities because “I have to understand that I’m a wife and mom now”, and I wouldn’t have stepped up to the challenge of many successful undertakings in my life thus far because “I need to accept that I am at the bottom of the totem pole and I can’t just walk in and start doing whatever I want.” None of these “risks” do I regret in hindsight or believe were wrong even over a decade later.
Please understand, definitely not tooting my own horn by any means. None of these risks would’ve worked if I was progressing on my own terms…but I ignored the naysayers because I knew what God was telling me to do…and if He told me to do it, then it wasn’t the wrong decision, no matter how foolish it looked to everyone else (yet another sermon for another day).
I simply refuse to let people discourage me or talk me out of a decision or direction when I know God is going before me…and you should too.
Stay strong and be wise. The more you move forward, the harder people will try to push you back. And the more you accomplish, the easier it is for you to veer of track. Keep your heart pure, humble and focused on God and take every critique with a grain of salt.
“If God is for us, who can be against us?” Romans 8:31
