This first week of 2018 has proven to be bursting with possibilities. How it will all pan out is still be determined, but it has presented Robert and I with valuable reflective conversation – primarily about the cost of “success.”
There’s a verse that asks what it profits a man to gain the whole world but lose his soul. When we think about “losing our soul”, most people immediately take it to mean a spiritual death or a loss of a moral compass or ethics (kind of like “selling your soul to the devil” mentality) – although those are certainly good lessons in life in general, I’ve found that the thing that has made me apprehensive in being successful, personally, has been more about a loss of what I find joy and peace in in my life now.
Everyone thinks they want more money and opportunity than they can handle….but do I want to become so money focused that I’m not thankful for what profit I made and instead endure sleepless nights of what more money I could’ve made? Do I want to feel the burden of being responsible for financially caring for everyone in my life and have to risk broken relationships because sometimes I have to say “no”? Do I want to have to clean a bigger house or spend more time paying more employees? Do I want to have the means to pay someone else to my raise children? Do I want to be so busy with my “work” that I never take the time to bake cookies with my daughter or celebrate the little things that light up my son’s life? Do I want to be married to someone who is just handling the logistics of life with me but I’m too busy to really enjoy life with? Do I want to become so confident in my own abilities that I lose that sweet dependency on God? Do I really want to gain the whole world of success and opportunity and lose the simple things that bring me joy, peace and meaning?
I know it sounds absolutely insane to question whether I want “more success”. I’ve been on this planet for 30+ years and all of those 30+ years have been as an insanely career-driven individual. Not because I care about a corporate ladder, but because I love work. Any kind of work. I place high value on productivity. I feed off the adrenaline of creative collaboration, genius solutions to chaotic problems (creative and logistically) or shaping something so perfectly for the audience for which it was intended that it all fits together like a puzzle. I love work. I lived non-stop going non-stop. I had kids and then I was determined to do it all with a kid (or three) on my hip and I did and it only came with an average of one major meltdown a week. I loved my work, I loved my family and I loved my life but I felt like I was never able to give enough attention to any one area of my life and that made me feel like a failure. It took me a few years to finally grasp the concept of balance and now that I have it, I find myself wondering if I want to risk losing it. Hence this post.
I never understood people or sermons that talked about “not getting too comfortable in life”….I had the opposite problem. I wanted so much change and challenges that I couldn’t figure out how to be content without movement for more than two days. And yet, now I find myself asking if I want to give up this new comfortable balance I’ve come to find and step out into a new season in several areas of my life. Seriously? Where did that come from? The old Gloria wouldn’t have even waited for you to finish your sentence before jumping at the thought of a new opportunity.
I guess as I get older, God has shown me the importance of balance. Passion is a great thing, but if it’s not placed in any kind of structure, it can be fatal.
No, I don’t ever want to become so content and comfortable with where I am that I’m not driven to be and do more. But also – no, I don’t want to ever be so driven to be and do more that I lose the peace and joy that comes from a balanced life with the simple goal of loving and pleasing God with my life.
@robertstella told me last night that the tension between those two desires is a good thing. Knowledge is power and simply being aware of the dangers of living too extreme in either direction is what will keep you grounded and able to self-correct before any damage is done.
